Hello, my name is Leslie Essex, and I’m an adult movie cameraman. That’s right, I film pornos. And let me tell you, all those guys that say its dull, boring, unglamorous, uninteresting and what have you – they’re lying, mostly likely married.
Oh don’t get me wrong, it can be a long shoot on the set of a porn movie. But it’s worse going to work in an office for 8 hours a day, far far worse.
I get to see naked girls, naked guys, blow jobs, the works. These guys who say its boring, they’re just covering up for themselves getting blow jobs off the performers. Seriously.
Ah… who am I kidding? I still live with mum, don’t i? I’ve never had a real girlfriend (Mistress Martha in Athens doesn’t count, so I’m told) and I’ve only ever filmed Rab C Nesbitt and Take the High Road.
And I’m not even Scottish.
But for a short time I did run a small adult film business with a fellow porn fan, Harry Beaver. Things didn’t go too badly – we recruited a couple of mature girls, a nice teenaged fillie straight out of college and a couple of strapping lads to service them in our first production, Hotel Orgasmiso.
I’ve always had a hot spot for Geneva Chase, so was hoping she’d be over me like a rash at the shoot in Harry’s guest house. No such luck, and just the latest in a long line of disasters with women.
My dad, god bless him, he reckoned that any bloke who couldn’t pull a porn star should give up on al thoughts of procreation activities. As far as he was concerned, if you can’t get a girl who does it for money into bed for free, you should probably join a monastery.
I do see his point. So, Abbot, where do I sign?